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My life as I probably am aware it will never be the same

My life as I probably am aware it will never be the same

I just completed going through "Drink" by Ann Dowsett Johnston. My age is 47 years old now. I am making efforts to take on my normal jaunty, radiant face for the world but inside I am a complete jumble.

Although I have realised for some time that I have issues with alcohol, this book helped me to deal with them. but strangely got me relieved to know I am not alone. My abuse of liquor was not just "hereditary inclination" or me having no self control.....my utilization of liquor to comfort and maintain me originates from many issues throughout my life. Growing up was difficult - my father was a serial cheater, my mother had no self pride and overweight, unpopular me was left to feed for myself on most occasions. Emotionally, I was totally independent.


This might sound strange, but during my high school days, alcohol never appealed to me. And Luckily at that time I can attend a prestigious school that proud on its student's academic records'but the students there turned out really like having a party, they were party animals. And so began my journey into the excessive consumption of alcohol and subsequent negative activity - ranging from loss of consciousness to terrible hangovers to improper sexual behaviours.


I discovered the only manner for a fat girl to have a sexual intercourse was to be drunk with equally as drunk boys.


I woke up one day, unclad sharing a bed with some guy in a frat house in Montreal..... I remember and it is indeed a miracle I didn't get severely wounded, hospitalised or in a detention cell for arrested drunks or pregnant.


Life moved on - I became a licensed nurse, got a masters degree and dated a lovely guy. We took wine on weekends when we were with each other and sometimes during the week I would buy myself a drink.

Fast forward...marriage, .two pregnancies, both amid which I totally avoided, and did not miss it. Be that as it may, then as life continued, maturing guardians, ADHD kid, worried, compulsive worker spouse with outrage issues.....wine on ends of the week got to be wine Thursday-Sunday.


My husband got hooked on a local "brew-your-own" so we had cases and cases of wine'..and shortly a nightly custom to crack one or two'..Privately, I started combining my personal cocktails and having the glass concealed in my baking cupboard.

After a hectic day at work, I return home to face domestic chores, dinner plans, getting my sick child to complete the task given to him at school and at the same time ensuring my other child does his house chore; in the midst of all these the only thought lingering within me is the wine I will take later and when the opportunity comes I drink to stupor. In the mornings, first thing I carry out is examine my I-phone to observe whom I may have unknowingly texted while drunk.


But there is more - two years ago I became entangled in a very fierce emotional affair with one of my son's ally's father. The relationship never got physical (other then a couple embraces and standing close at donning occasions) however in the event that any of you have perused about (or encountered) an enthusiastic undertaking, the effect can be similarly as sensational and extreme, if not more so then a physical relationship. The beep of my phone which signifies the entry of a message always gave me that ecstatic sensation. Regularly, our phone conversation transpired for long durations and intermittently as well.


I was elated than I had ever been. The relationship was becoming dangerously close to crossing the sexual line and he pulled back. I was emotionally wounded and desolate, so my use of alcohol grew.

My cocktails comforted me they assisted the infliction.

I am so embarrassed as view back over my life. The inebriated scenes:

  • I got hammered really hard at a cocktail party last Christmas.
  • Intoxicated at my sister's 50th birthday
  • Fuming messages on my iPhone
  • Shouting fits in front of my children
  • Hitting my fist at my husband in the face
  • An aggregate yelling battle one night when my child had a companion dozing over

I am in counselling which has been an illuminating realisation.....plus reading Ann's book and now finding out this website and reading related stories. I feel like I am returning back home.